Just to my left a small boy is melting down. He just screamed at his father and yanked his arm away from his mother, the little boy is having a bit of a tantrum. Behind me about twenty steps I can hear a baby crying from a stroller. And over to my right a little girl is crying because dad apparently refuses to make a purchase that she wants badly. Crying to my left, crying to my right, crying children all around me.
Which is all a bit ironic as I’m supposed to be in the happiest place on earth.
Yes, I am in Disney World.
Where families spend thousands on their child’s happiness only to have the children melt down completely.
Is there anything better than having a two grand day for the children and having them throw a fit in front of Cinderella’s castle?
Frankly I know little about this place even though I’ve probably been here half-a-dozen times. I wrote “Snow White’s Castle” originally and the wife corrected me. I was never a Disney fan. I think I watched “Old Yeller” somewhere around 1963, hated the movie, and gave up on Disney completely. What kind of people are these Disney people they’d shoot a dog?
Even at around 6 years of age, when you are supposed to love Disney, that Sunday night show would come on and I’d change the channel. I remember seeing Mary Poppins and thinking it was a movie for girls. And the idea of a flying car in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, well, let’s just say I didn’t get it.
According to my politics I am boycotting this place.
They went “Woke” and must be punished financially for promoting themes that I find unsuitable for children. I want the mighty Disney Corporation to suffer financially for the decisions they are making to promote the alphabet mafia to children. And for writing into their kiddie movies characters with proclivities I’d rather discuss with small children at a later date in their development.
But the two grand daughters are “all ate up”, as we say in this family, with Moana, and Frozen, they are approximately 2 and 4, and if they want to go to Disney World then all boycotts are off. We simply cannot boycott Disney and have the grandchildren miss out.
So here I stand on a random weekday morning, waiting for the grandchild stroller brigade to lead me to the next attraction.
I have two over-riding thoughts wandering toward the rides. First, however the wives conspired to get this “fast pass” option, I don’t care what it cost or what was spent, if they had left this pass off the Disney trip menu I’d want to climb into the car and drive back home. Immediately. And second, staying in a monorail hotel is essential. The idea of taking a bus from this property to get back to the hotel and rest up in the afternoon makes my feet hurt just thinking about it. If they could just install a bedroom for me over one of the Main Street stores, I’d go up and rest up for the evening session.
As I have always said, humans will adapt to affluence quicker than anything. Quicker than you could hook them on crack.
As we walk through the “lightning lanes” with much shorter lines and much a much quicker pace to get to the actual rides and attractions I couldn’t help but wonder about all those people in that other line and what they were thinking. Given the option to have this “lightning lanes” pass, or not, I’d stay home before I ever visited this park without it. I wonder if the mighty Disney Corporation understands that people would pay any price, any price they asked, to get through those lines more quickly. Exactly what it costs I have no idea, if you left it to me to plan this trip it wouldn’t happen. We’d all end up on a plane to Las Vegas and I’d convince the grandkids the flashing lights of the casino had something to do with Disney. Or we’d go to Napa and I’d tell them these were “Disney Vineyards”.
At these tender ages they still believe, their eyes light up meeting Mickey Mouse, and they give every character we meet at the character lunch in the Crystal Palace a big hug and smile. I’ll find out at the end of the month what this all costs, but just the picture of their beaming faces with Mickey will justify the expense.
From everything I’ve read Disney is in some real trouble. This latest “Woke” movie bombed, the one with the little yellow star. People are fed up with Disney preaching a Woke message to their kids. My buds from back home are all texting me messages of disapproval. Upset that we’ve enriched the Mouse and in effect financially endorsed their move to the far Left.
Of course these friends all have yet to have grandchildren.
They just don’t understand.
If my granddaughters asked me to hit my friends from back home over the head with a seven iron, and asked me in that cute little voice, calling me Poppy the way they do, with those sweet little eyes, well, “Whack”.
You have to have grandchildren to understand.
I want to punish Disney too. But, but, but Moana. But, but, but Frozen, but, but, but Lighting McQueen, Kachow!
A hundred years ago to make a billion dollars in America you had to build a steel plant. To develop an international banking conglomerate. To build railroads, or a shipping empire.
Today, to make a billion, you make a cartoon of a talking car with a catchphrase. “Kachow”!
I think there is a metaphor about the decline of America in there somewhere.
Another sure sign of decline is the number of adults here suited up in their Disney finest. I’ve seen Cheerleader Mom Disney fans, a collegiate “M” on their jersey top with a pleated skirt bottom. I’ve seen adults dressed in Christmas red and green, with the mouse ears sprouting from their heads. I’ve seen couples in matching Disney wear, and entire families all wearing the same Disney T shirts. I’ve seen adults here with no children attached. None at all. Which leads me to believe that we have somehow infantilized entire segments of our society. Who in their right mind would come to Disney without children?
And I hate to sound haughty, but I’ve already admitted in previous columns that I am one arrogant short-little shit of a human, I look around and wonder how on earth these people can ever afford Disney.
Disney appears to be a giant Wal Mart store. The average weight of humans in attendance at this park is “over”.
And I don’t want to say the bulk of this Disney crowd is ugly and overweight, but if you were handing out beauty ribbons you’d wait at least thirty-five minutes in between handing them out, unless of course you have no standards.
I don’t want to look in the windows of one of these Main Street shops. I might see myself looking back with the crowd all around and think “Holy Shit, I belong with these people”.
I admit, I’m not looking too great these days. Age and alcohol are working overtime to destroy my once boyish good looks. After cookie season is done and over I’m going to sit down to some serious personal reflection. If I can even stand to look at my reflection by then.
“My dogs are barking”, and it’s time to head back to “rest up” for the evening session and parades and fireworks. I’ll avoid eye contact with the reflections in the windows.
The park is crowded, I keep hearing the economy is bad, but you wouldn’t know it from being here.
Here, in the happiest place on earth, kids are melting down in every direction. Parents have a look as if they see dollars disappearing like magic.
After all isn’t Disney a magical place?
Have at it.... hit me with that 7 iron! I AM one of those "friends from back home" who has advised you against a trip to the "Parental Penitentiary". An animated Hell on earth!
Like yourself, I never enjoyed Disney, even as a child. I recall gathering at Grandma's house every Sunday for dinner.... a gaggle of Cousins and myself. They would get all starry eyed and excited when some Aunt or Uncle tuned it in. That was my queue to go find a comic book or go out in the yard and kick the football around. Flying cars, pixies with wands in tutu's, umbrella toting brit wankers drifting down chimneys... it wasnt my thing then, and never has been.
Ive never been to Disney. I survived without it.... my own children survived without it. Someday, if either of them have children, they will visit it sans selfish grandad... who would rather have a Tabasco Enema than endure those lines, those prices, the fatass Walmart clientele, or the swarm of sugar starved bees that engulfs the property. You go and add WOKE politics/statements to it all, and its time to unleash Godzilla and Rodan on the park. Wouldnt it be a lot more fun to see Goofy and Daisy dangling from the fangs of Ghidorah or being squeezed to a pulp by an angry Kong? Yea verily!
Nope. No Disney here... never...no way! lol.
One other ironic and humorous note... In his early days Walt Disney was a hard-drinking, chain smoker who was fascinated with the occult and Satanic practices, Funny that it took another 90 some years for Satan to pop up as an animated "good guy" in South Park.
Maybe Im "odd", but I still get a bigger laugh from seeing Satan sodomized by Saddam Hussein than from flying cars or 7 simple minded dwarves!